Its been so long since I was here. I used to come on here a lot. Looking back on it, I was a little crazy. I am still crazy but for a while I have been better at trying to be 'normal'.

It was wierd when my boyfriend asked me if I was anorexic one day, I didnt know what to say. It was wierd when my friends started worrying about my boney bits. It was awful when none of my clothes fitted nicely anymore.

Weight. It was the only thing that I could control and it was both a distraction and my punishment for being such a bad person. A few months after I stopped writing my journal on here I realised I had barely eaten for the longest time. I kept getting drunk and was covered in bruises. Would obsessively write lists. I made it to 102lb. Still fat by some standards.

It had to stop.

I started running, working out loads. I started eating things I felt safe with. I realised that I could seem to eat fairly 'normally' if I kept up the running and the gym. I stopped running obsessively after eating and did it for enjoyment. I know I have gained so I cant bear to weigh anymore. I have definately put on muscle. I still scrutinise myself for hours. Find myself touching my shoulderblades to see if the fat crept back. I long for that 102lb feeling. Im scared of the scales. I try to tell myself I cant have gained too bad. Im a UK size 8.

After all my efforts, I feel I need my distraction again.

I feel so consumed by the reasons it started last time. They gradually came back with 'normality'.

Life was actually better the old way. I'm almost about to give in to it. It was mine. It made me forget all my problems. In a wierd way it made me happy. I want my super thin happy back.

Current Mood: discontent

103LB EXACTLY

lowest.

feel like a freak- people think i am, my friends. keep geting drunk and being a dick! worried about myself i think.

people at work have started to notice...'you look skinny'- they say. well duh- i have lost 15lb!

i still dont notice it much. i wonder if bf will notice nxt week when he comes home, or my friends tmo nite.

nice to think that some people do... it makes me smile a little

just a little

morning weigh in 104.4lb

thought it would be low last night when my eveing weigh in was 105.8lb coz normally i am 1-2lb heavier in the evening.

made veg/tinned tomato soup last night.

well 105.8lb today.

im not eating ANYTHING today. liquids only. thats what got me down to this from 108lb so i will persevere.

MIGHT go to the gym in which case i will have smoothie for energy.

i want to be noticably thinner for friday when i see my friends i havent seen in a while. they prob wont notice. ill just die of grief if they dont.

im such a retard, my throat is killing me now. all for nothing.

coffee/ liquid/ soup only tomorrow.

and thursday.

and friday.

and sat.

meant to be drinking thurs and friday and sat night. will just nurse a spritzer and hope no-one notices.

might make that veg/ tomato soup again- it kept me low.

fucking hate this.

i ate today: a snack pack of sushi 140 calories AND a plate of oven roasted vegetables which i havent calculated.

i know i cannot purge for shit but i spent an hour shoving the toothbrush and my fingers down my throat anyway and i just coughed and had to blow my nose a lot and felt like the faliure i am. couldnt even look at my reflection in the mirror.

it happens every now and then. after i have spent so long restricting and managed to reach a new lower weight (thats still bloody fat) and then i eat something (never junk food, i NEVER eat junk) and then i feel like i have thrown it all away, again on one plate of food.

this morning i was 105.6 still, now i am 2.2lb up. thats normal of an evening and usually goes back down but im sure ive blown it this time.

ive taken my diet pills and vits and 2 laxitive drinks.

i know what ive got to do to turn this around. now im gonna do it. im damned if im gonna let all those beautiful bones that have started to appear on my back fade back in behind the fat....

STILL 105.6LB- got on and off scales many times to be sure. a couple of times it was higher but i was leaning back on the scales and it showed 105.6lb when i stood on dead square so IT MUST BE ACCURATE.

thank god.

yesterday i had: 1 bowl homemade tomato/veg/ricenoodle soup
1 celery stick with peanut butter
4 coffees with skimmed milk and sweetner
1 sugar free Redbull

2 cocktails (very surprised these didnt make me gain)

today so far: 1 coffee with skimmed milk and sweetner
half a glass of fresh orange juice
1 and a half glasses of pure fruit smoothie

tonight i am have a plate of over roast veggies OR i will make the soup again...not sure yet?

105.6lb today

weighed a million times- its really true. REALLLLLLLYYYYYYY.

last night i was 106lb.

so after 72 hours of only ingesting things i could drink (fruit smoothies, coffe, juices, rice dream, slimatee, soup)... i had an apple with peanut butter.

havent been to the gym this week becasue of my cold and now i am begining to feel guilty, thing is i have lost weight in the last few days coz i havent been exercising and it makes me less hungry. i feel so much more awake. i need to get over this cold...

i dont know wat to think.

friends invited me out for drink tomo night and i dont fel slim enough yet for them to see me.